Selectively Bitchy

…hormonally-controlled and ranting about it…

Archive for horny

Have cock, will f*&%

Wouldn’t that be a great advertisement…succint, to the point.

Then again, that’s also a death-by-STD wish. But what’s a single, horny girl to do? My girlfriend’s been without for a decent handful of weeks now and I feel her pain. In fact, last week, my quest for sex and condoms left me high and dry despite my supersize pack of Trojan ultra-thins (0.05mm!) as my boyfriend came down with a cold.

“You’re crazy, whudz wrong wid you?!” he asked in shock + disbelief and super nasal congestion, as I insisted that we could still do it only I’d pretend he has a paper bag over his head and he wouldn’t have to do any work. I’ll stop at nothing for ‘penile penetration’.

Alas, after trying to keep me away with several gas bombs (literally), he gave in and I felt like a winner. Well, at one point during our romp, I kinda felt like a rapist, but was comforted by a flashback of my Crim 300 prof on the Criminal Code of Canada — if it’s consensual it’s not rape.

Back to my girlfriend and our deliberations on her ‘next steps’ towards penile penetration.

Solution #1: Dial-up an existing dude you’ve done

This is a good last minute fix…for a last minute fix. It’s stable because you already know what to expect. If it’s sex you want, that’s what you’ll get. And if it was amazing/mind-blowing last time, this is probably your best bet

Solution #2: Phone a friend

Not the best solution, but if you can keep it platonic after, why not? Though I doubt many girls (and some guys) can do that…hello, Zack and Miri Make a Porno?

Solution #3: The lurking cat

You know who he is…hits on you at the club, tries to pick you up again a couple weeks later at a function. Any opportunity he can get to get you, he’s there. All you need to do is wiggle your nose.

Solution #4: Hand-held heaven

It’s a lucrative industry for a reason — grab your favourite toy and get to it! No jerks, no herpes and no lameass bullshit drama to deal with after.

…he can keep the dog. Dildos are a woman’s best friend.

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Hormonally horny, hornily hormonal and he’s just not that sexual

Does that term even make sense? No? Yes? Maybe? Yeah, welcome to the confuddled-mess-of-rational- blockage that is my brain.

Let me tell you something you already know — being a femme fetale sucks, at times. One such time being now…hormones a-ragin’, highs and lows, cries and laughs. For me this week though, it’s more like none of those things except for the fact that I’ve turned into a horny toad/sex-addict (take your pick, either way I feel sorry for my boyfriend).

Did you just say that you feel sorry for your boyfriend, you ask?

Yup. Believe it or not, there are actually some men out there who really aren’t that into sex. Yes, I know…my man and I have gone over allllll the other possibilities but trust me, he’s just not that sexual.  It’s like, maybe 0.05% of the male breed that falls under this category. Coincidentally, I believe it’s like maybe 0.06% of the female breed that falls under the sexaholic-maniac-but-not-a-raging-sex-addict category. Women like myself love love love sex. We’ll have it anytime, anywhere and eh…well, I can speak for myself…I’d rape my bf if I had to. For you other women out there with no committed dude…well, we won’t tell.

So yeah anyways. It’s been a decent week with nothing in the pooty. I couldn’t survive. I broke the whole one week rule. I did it twice. Take that, doc. And this week, specifically today, in all my raging horniness, we are out of condoms. Yes, after eons of being on the pill and now nothing….well, yeah condoms don’t really exist in a household like that. 

I was lucky enough to stumble upon a random one in the bathroom. This evening, I got down on my hands and knees and searched the apartment, high and low to no avail…no dice. 

F*&^ ME! No,  literally! Is it a social faux pas to pull an ‘ask your neighbour for some sugar’ ? I really need to be baking cookies right now…