Selectively Bitchy

…hormonally-controlled and ranting about it…

Archive for douchebag

Coming soon to a store near you…

My recent post, douching is bad for you has received quite a bit of attention since last week. Methinks, douching is a common problem amongst the beautiful, talented, intelligent, successful, ambitious and driven women population (note: TrashyDumbSkanks don”t consider douching to be a problem because they’re just too plain trashy dumb and skanky to recognize they’re with a douche).

If only my girlfriend was armed with a douchedar, she probably wouldn’t have found out the hard way. After all, it’s not her fault she dated a guy for almost 10 months, was in the midst of planning a romatic vacation away with him, was pretty much moved in with him, came uber close to buying a place with him while in the interim, stumbled upon a slew of Facebook messages between him and a TrashyDumbSkank at work (who, by the way, was clearly in-the-know about his un-single status and had met my gf at a work function a few months back). Whathedisgustingf*&^?

Douches like those deserved to be tossed in nitrous oxide and burned to a cold, silver crisp. And pounded up into several million little pieces. Like in the Terminator. Vinegar isn’t enough. No I take that back. If you pound him into several million little pieces, he won’t live to experience the HPV and chlamydia and gonorrhea that TrashyDumbSkank has to offer.  Or did he get a visit from Valtrex Vixen already? Tisk, beats me.

*Sigh* … So many f*&^ing dirtyass whorebags, so little penis.

Pretty, Intelligent Girl: 1     Douche: -1

For baby Jesus’ sake, if my 19-year-old sister had a douchedar, she’d know to steer way clear of the balding (no offense to bald guys, they’re usually quite sexy but in this case, his balding adds to his douchiness) 35-year-old duno-what-the-f&^%-he-does-all-day dickwad who clearly knows she’s in a committed relationship but still pursues her (the CHILD, in my opinion) relentlessly and writes her emails saying how happy he was to know that she lied to her boyfriend and her family about where she was when she was actually over at his house FOR DINNER. Whathepedof*&^?

Douches like those need at least a week-long dose of  go-make-some-friends-who-are-remotely-close-to-your-f*&^ing-age with a side of get-a-f&^%king-life. No death by nitrous oxide required, just a dose of reality should do.

I think I’ll become a bazillionaire once I get this douchedar up and running.

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Douching is bad for you

According to my research..

Regular vaginal douching changes the delicate chemical balance of the vagina and can make a woman more susceptible to infections. Douching can introduce new bacteria into the vagina which can spread up through the cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes. Researchers have found that women who douche regularly experience more vaginal irritations and infections such as bacterial vaginosis, and an increased number of sexually transmitted diseases.

For these reasons, douching is no longer recommended as a safe or healthy way to routinely clean the vagina.

I have this gorgeous, talented, intelligent, ambitious, driven and gorgeous girlfriend who just can’t shake off the douchebags she encounters.

I don’t blame her.  Douchebag encounters (DE) are very misleading.

They start out nice and harmless, like any normal date, I suppose. Fun and flirty text messages, box seats to hockey games and concerts, expensive dinners complemented by even more expensive wine, lather rinse and repeat. For a few weeks. Enough time to decide whether he’s longer-term material or not. These dates result in nothing more than a few days of analyzing the previous dates, strategic analysis conference calls or meetings with your girlfriends over a cockatail or five, and maybe even introducing him to your friends.

But a douchebag date ends slightly differently. After the expensive date, loads of wine, you’ll probably end up going back to his downtown penthouse suite where both of you will proceed to drink more expensive wine. Then douche gets trashed, words start coming out of his mouth with the sole purpose of trying to get into your pants. You’re trashed too, but you’re smart, intelligent, classy and have integrity. You don’t f*&^ on the first date. Or the second date. And hey, if you don’t feel like it, on the third date too. You’re not TrashyDumbSkank number 50034.

So the night ends, you go home, wake up with an expensive hangover, think about how well you handled the situation and get a round of applause from your girlfriends for not giving into a guy who thinks he can get whatever he wants, whenever he wants, just because he has money and is perceived to be good-looking by other TrashyDumbSkanks.

Then shit hits the fan a couple weeks later. Yes, it’s been weeks. You’ve now been going back and forth on text messages with Mr. Douche. You analyze every text, you have a strategic communications plan laid out for your reply text messages  and you’ve spent countless waking (and sleepless) hours wondering, replaying every DE you’ve had with Mr. Douche, over analyzing the evening (with or without your friends, it doesn’t matter, your brain had an overdose of douche, there’s no turning back) and taking apart his text messages, trying to read between the lines.

Whatdya mean, shit hits the fan?

Well, you later find out through an associate of his that he’s spread this wonderful rumour about you. About why “it didn’t really work out” between the two of you. Apparently, YOU wanted a relationship and he just wasn’t looking for that, and that’s why YOU aren’t with him.

You wake up in bed. No it wasn’t a dream. You were just so mentally exhausted from all this drama that you fell asleep with your head buried under your pillow, in shame. Sure, you thought you did everything right. You kept it classy, clean and f*&^% free but you still got screwed over.

Pretty, Intelligent Girl 0 : Douche 1

Listen to your doctor, douching is bad for you