Selectively Bitchy

…hormonally-controlled and ranting about it…

Aeroplan thinks I’m a dumbass

I get regular promotional newsletters from Aeroplan and their newest promotion was like, completely thought of by a retard I’m sure. Typically if you spend $1 you get one Aeroplan point. This promotion says “hurry into Esso–for a limited time, you’ll earn 3 Aeroplan miles for every $3 spent…”. Uh yeah, so how is that different from your usual policy?

You know who I think is a dumbass? My bf’s friend, Mr. Boring-In-Bed (BIB). No, I didn’t find out on my own nor would I ever fantasize about doing so (although, I must say, my bf’s got some decent sexual fantasy fodder amongst his masculine clan), but this guy is so square and boring and boring and square that you just KNOW he’d be a sucky lay (by sucky lay, I mean like, at the end of it you realize you should’ve f&^%ed a zucchini from your produce bin because even a vegetable knows how to have more fun than this guy).

AND, I listened to a phone conversation between him and his mom on Mother’s Day and it involved  the following words — “you’re sick eh? oh yeah mom, you’re totally gonna die, you so deserve to”, “yeah yeah you’re so full of shit” and after he hung up, “good riddance”. Mind you, I’m a firm believer in the expression “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”, and sure, his tone of voice wasn’t vicious (he talks like a slow, friendly farmer only more eloquent and a spectacular use of vernacular when he’s not speaking to his mom) but for f*&^’s sake, it’s Mother’s Day!

I couldn’t help it.

“You’re sooo mean to your mom! Dude, she sacrificed her life and body for YOU. She gained 60 pounds for you!”

“Well, she hasn’t stopped eating”, Mr. Boring-In-Bed retorted.

RED FLAG #1 – The way he treats his mom is probably the way he’s going to treat his girlfriend.

I couldn’t come back with anything, I was just too shocked. And tried to stifle a laugh. He’s a funny guy too, but if I ran my body through the mill for some ungrateful little bastard shithead, I’d probably stifle his breath with a pillow.

I decided to give Mr. BIB another chance.

“Hey, lets go for a walk! It’s really nice out and you’ve been indoors all day”.

“Yeah, I’m good thanks. I prefer to walk as little as  I possibly can”, Mr. BIB tells me, while on his third hour of playing some video game on his laptop. Mind you, this guy’s athletic and regularly plays hockey, but he also puts in a decent 40 hours a week on the video game consoles.

RED FLAG #2 – He plays video games for more hours than he actually works (and he doesn’t have millions sitting in the bank)

That’s fine, I tell myself. What else can I do to get you the f*&^ outta my place so I can have some alone time!? My bf asked him to go to a poker game with him that night, the perfect male bonding pleasure, all boys, all wahtever-the-hell-guys-do-at-poker-night.

“Yeah, no I’m not into playing Poker…”

What guy doesn’t want to play poker? What’s wrong with this guy!? The combination of no sex all week “because we have a guest staying with us, so shut up and stop bugging me for sex and go to bed!”, no making out all week because “look at you, you’re sniffling and I have a sore throat, aren’t you grossed out?” and this boring dud of a Mr. BIB was driving me nuts.

Thankfully, last night he told us he was leaving and heading back to his hometown in the next province.

Fabulous, I think to myself. I won’t have to deal with him until the next time we need to mooch a quick overnight stay en route to the Dominican Republic.

“Oh yeah? That’s too bad, we had so much fun with you staying here with us!!” I lied through gritted teeth.

“Well, thanks a lot for your hospitality. I just signed the rental agreement for that place right behind your apartment, so I’m just heading home to grab all my stuff and will be moving in, in two weeks. I’m relocating permanently”.

Annnnd scene!

No really, this was all an act right? None of this is actually happening right? Someone?!?! Hello!?


1 Comment»

  Miss Rosa wrote @

aaaaahhhh! time to move?

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